Caffeine, Cream, and Menopause: A Saga

Musings of a 53-Year-Old Coffee Addict

A story as bittersweet as a cup of black coffee.

Let me take you back to my caffeine origins—a story as bittersweet as a cup of black coffee.

When I was 11, I visited my grandparents in Alabama. Back then, my parents had this custody agreement that meant I stayed with my grandparents instead of my dad, which is ironic when you consider what a delightful monster my mother turned out to be. Anyway, one sweltering summer day in South Alabama, I smelled coffee brewing and thought,

"This is it. Adulthood in a mug."  

So, I asked my grandmother if I could try it. Big mistake. She served me a cup with six teaspoons of sugar and enough milk to have a bowl of cereal. It was horrendous. Did she do it on purpose? I haven’t ruled it out.

Even though that cup was a disaster, my love for caffeine was born.

I was a soda girl

—Coke, Dr. Pepper, I was an active volunteer for any Cola Wars kiosks at the mall.

Then, in eighth grade, coffee became cool. By high school, I was brewing pots of black coffee like a boss. It settled my nerves, my stomach, and my teenage angst. By college, I had a roommate who drank coffee like it was her lifeline. I tried to keep up but ended up with an ulcer. The doctor told me to cut back on my two-pots-a-day habit and add cream. Cream? Who does this man think he is—my dietary dictator? I grumbled, but I listened. Thus began my decades-long love-hate relationship with cream in coffee.

My body betrayed me, AGAIN

Fast forward a couple of years ago—cue ominous music—my body betrayed me. My breasts became heavy, tender, super sensitive—basically, they were the drama queens I never asked for. Sports bras became my best friends, and I started eliminating foods to pinpoint the culprit. Gluten? Gone. Chocolate? Banished. Caffeine? Say it isn’t so. Turns out, menopause was throwing a tantrum, and coffee was in the crossfire.

I fantasize about staging a heist at the Hershey factory

Now, I ration myself to one measly cup of coffee per day. Chocolate?

Haven’t touched it in months. Sometimes, I fantasize about staging a heist at the Hershey factory—Ocean’s Eleven style, but for milk chocolate I resist, though, because my body would betray me again. Honestly, can we talk about the scientific apathy surrounding menopause? It's like researchers are saying,

"Eh, you're just a woman aging; deal with it."

Unless, of course, a man claims he’s going through menopause—then suddenly, it’s headline news. Sorry, buddy, you’re just having a midlife crisis. Buy the Harley and stop stealing our thunder.

A caffeine minimalist, a chocolate exile, and a menopausal fighter

And so, here I am—a caffeine minimalist, a chocolate exile, and a menopausal fighter—but still standing, albeit slightly less caffeinated and much more opinionated.

If life is a sitcom, then menopause is the unruly guest star, and coffee is the old flame I can’t quit but have to keep at arm's length. Remember, we might lose the battle against our bodies sometimes, but we can at least win the war of wit. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a single, glorious cup of coffee waiting for me—it’s my daily Oscar-worthy performance in the drama of self-control. Cheers to survival and liquid gold!

Anyway, here’s my unsolicited advice: if your body starts acting like it’s starring in a soap opera, try eliminating foods one by one. You might find the villain in your dietary lineup. Is this the saddest caffeine story ever told? Maybe. But I’m still here, isn’t that something?

XX

Peeja

Practical Tips for Easing Off Your Liquid Lifeline (Without Losing Your Sanity)

Look, I get it—cutting back on caffeine feels like breaking up with your charmingly toxic ex. But trust me, with a sprinkle of humor and a dash of determination, you can transition into a less caffeinated existence. Here are steps to help you step away from the coffee pot without staging a full-blown protest:

1. Set a Clear Goal

Decide what you want. Are you aiming to be caffeine-free, or just trying to downgrade from “espresso-fueled superhero” to “tea-sipping mortal”? Knowing your endgame will help you chart the course—and avoid accidental coffee binges.

2. Track Your Current Consumption

3. Gradually Reduce Intake

4. Switch to Alternatives

5. Time Your Caffeine Wisely

6. Stay Hydrated

7. Adjust Your Routine

8. Address the Underlying Cause

9. Prepare for Withdrawal Symptoms

10. Celebrate Small Wins

11. Seek Support

12. Be Patient

By following these steps, you can say goodbye to your caffeine overload while still keeping your humor intact. Remember: it’s not just about cutting back, but finding balance—and laughing at the process while you do it.

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